4. Questioning Norms: Changing Your Name Or Not? With Kelci Schuler
an episode on a topic that definitely piqued my interest...
“I lost this part of my identity...and I had a sudden feeling of grief, mourning who I once was."
When I asked what people to share topics they'd like to hear this show explore, my friend Kelci answered “if/why you changed your name after marriage,” and she added “grief after changing your {last} name”.
List on Apple Podcasts | Spotify
The Before We Hit Record audio will be available to paid subscribers tomorrow!
My interest was piqued, because I had thought about this a lot but have only had a few conversations about it.
It does feel like something no one talks about, and it’s a BIG decision that some folx make. For both of us, this decision felt more like a box to check—a norm to follow—rather than a series of conversations to have between you and your partner, your family, or whomever else you feel safe exploring this with. We both wish we had approached it a little differently, even if the outcome may have been the same.
Of note: our experiences are very similar, with hetero, cis, and "straight" marriage norms (US-based). There’s so much more to this conversation/topic!
That’s where you come in.
We'd love to hear from you, and the myriad perspectives you may have (e.g. relationship style or structure, non-binary/non-gender-stereotyped experiences, etc.). Share via NoOneTalksAbout.Substack.Com, or call 719-357-9079 to leave a voicemail with your story.
I just got married and kept my name, and I think part of that is because I got married a little older than some people. Getting married at 38 means I've lived more of my life as my name, and it felt wrong to change it because I've been "me" for almost half my life! Plus, I think as you get older, you realize that you don't have to do something just because it's "what people do," and many of my friends who got married younger said they wouldn't change their names if they been older when they got married or if they had really even thought about it more. Plenty of people quote the significance of their name in their professional careers as a reason for not wanting to take their husband's name, but my last name is of little significance in my career. I'm a nurse anesthetist and my name could change daily and it wouldn't make much of a difference, but I wanted to keep my name because it's my name. My last name also isn't very common (nor is my husband's, to be fair), so I wanted to keep it for that reason as well.
No one asked my husband if he was changing his name, but I did get addressed as his last name almost immediately after getting married. Some people have asked us how we would like to be addressed for the purposes of holiday cards. While I appreciate they way they phrased it, the underlying question is if I changed my name or not, and I think it will be a long time, if ever, to ask both parties equally if they changed their name. We haven't really discussed what we will do with our (hopefully) future children's names, although I would like to share a last name with them. However, I totally understand if my husband feels that need as well, but we haven't sorted out how to compromise on that quite yet.
This was very interesting to hear. I had only been taught that you take the name of your husband, no matter what the professional or child ramifications were. I have since learned that is a US custom and is not followed in many other countries. I would just like to say, I kept my ex-husbands name because my oldest child asked me why I wouldn’t want to keep the same name as his. And I did have to ask my ex and his fiancée if I could keep the name. Luckily they agreed.