on Not having it (that day)
a note recapping some things that happened while I ran 13.1 miles, again
I ran 13.1 miles from Brooklyn to Central Park in NYC, and decidedly did not have a good day on what was actually a lovely, sunny early-Spring-like day.
I’m only $300 away from my fundraising goal for &Mother, a 501(c)3 organization dedicated to breaking down barriers for athletes to stay in sport and be a mother. Learn more about their mission and initiatives here. If you feel so inclined, help me meet this fundraising goal as part of their NYC Half-Marathon Team here!
On Sunday, I did not have it
I didn’t have speed or pep or ease in my legs or my stride. I didn’t have the energy I must have needed to run a little faster, and a little harder. My heart rate soared early on, indicating this run was more effortful than I had expected it to be, especially by mile 3 (of 13). I didn’t have any mental narrative that could put some pep in my step or ease in my effort. I didn’t have any words of wisdom or magic that connected my mind to my body to turn that ship around. I just, didn’t have it.
Throughout the NYC Half-Marathon on Sunday (March 17), I grappled with that feeling of wanting a run to go so differently than it was going. As I ran through every mile, every aid station, every stage of this unique half-marathon course, I waited for some NYC magic to kick in—from the energetic crowds, the beautiful views off of the Manhattan bridge (truly stunning), the rare opportunity to run up 5th Ave through Times Square, the music blaring, the cheers as we entered Central Park. I did enjoy it to some extent, just not to the extent where it somehow translated to my legs picking up relative speed.
For most of this run—as it went every direction other than the one I had mapped out in my head—I wondered what I could take with me.
Could I be gentle with myself for two hours?
Could I witness myself fall short of a goal and sit run with it?
Could I detach myself from some identity around what times I run in certain distances, or the ones I have run in previous seasons of life?
Could I find way(s) to enjoy my first NYRR race?
I’m not evolved enough to take or have a hard day, squeeze the life-lesson juice out of it and be totally and solely satisfied with that tart cup-of-humility. I mostly felt frustrated and tired and at some points really annoyed. And yet, the answers to those internal questions above were all, for the most part, yes. Yes I could find a way to be gentle, to continue pulling at the knots my ego has tied around these identities, and to still enjoy this run.
I can zoom out, see a weekend that I got to fill to the brim with running things—a Saturday morning shakeout with the &mother team,
’s live show with Emily Sisson (!), the Expo, and a lovely home-cooked (not by me!) pasta dinner in with my friend and her partner. All followed by a morning literally jammed with runners in a subway station, security line, and Corral. Taking it all in, feeling so happy to be there for so many reasons1.There are many more days that I don’t have it than days I do, on the run. I’ve been in this endurance-running game long enough (a whopping 16 years) to know that’s how it goes, especially if part of that game is taking on a challenge knowing full well it could deeply disappoint you, or elate you. It’s all part of the Type 2 fun. And I’ll give it another go later this season, as we do!
In other-but-related news…
I’m run coaching again! This is a big turn of events in my working world, and a thing I’m so excited to be doing again after a couple of years off. This interest form has more information (and no commitment!), if you’re curious.
I’m back to regularly podcasting, as my
co-founder and I bring Lane 9 back together! Our latest episode is here. (Spotify, Apple) If you have a topic or guest request, reach out to us via lane9project @ gmail dot com.Maybe I’ll talk more about this later, but this weekend that I got to expense for a few business-related reasons was actually a huge thing, for me.